Conflict is inevitable, and we typically make things worse by responding poorly. We need to redefine tension and conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.
I’m one of those rare people who doesn’t mind conflict. While I don’t particularly love conflict, I do seem to have more conflicts than the average person. To be honest, I’ve spent a lot of prayer and reflection as a result of my conflicts.
Here are the results of a 50+ year old non-conflict avoider:
1. Recognize your conflict response style.
When faced with conflict, individuals typically react in one of two ways: (a) “Imploders” retreat into themselves, much like a turtle pulling into its shell. They suppress their feelings, which eventually leads to internal turmoil that boils over. (b) “Exploders” react all over whoever is near them, akin to a stick of dynamite. They expunge their feelings immediately and often fail to notice the collateral damage around them.
Each style has strengths and weaknesses, we need to begin our conflict journey with accurate self-assessment. Take this to prayer and ask God for insight for every step of the process.
2. Identify the basic facts.
After your initial response to the conflict, consider the facts. As much as it is possible, imagine yourself as an unbiased, third-party observer and answer the following questions:
- Who was involved or witnessed the conflict?
- What happened? Outline a quick timeline of both the cause and effect.
- When/Where did this occur? Consider if the timing or location influenced the situation.
3. Identify your trigger(s).
Emotionally, everyone has an alarm that goes off when something simply “isn’t right.” It’s critical that we take the time to look inward to identify the “why” behind our side of the conflict. As you look at the basic facts of what happened, ask yourself, “Why was I triggered?”
Now, the work gets a little harder. Typically, this step needs to be repeated a few times to get to the real issue. After you’ve identified your trigger(s), ask again, “ok, so why did THAT bother me?” And again, “So why did THAT bother me?”
You may discover that you were holding onto some uncommunicated expectations or assumptions. Your feelings maybe have been influenced by some history or built-up resentment.
4. Evaluate your “right” to be hurt.
I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this: you may be offended because you are immature (in general or in a specific area).
To evaluate your feelings, you need an OBJECTIVE STANDARD. In our case, that’s Scripture.
I’m an amateur woodworker. To cut a piece of wood to the right size, I need a ruler. It would be silly for me to make cuts based on what I think is right (which is probably why I’m still an amateur woodworker).
Do you have a legitimate reason for being offended, or are you triggered because you are entitled, selfish, or prideful?
Yikes. Let’s move on.
5. Identify the “kind” of conflict.
Generally speaking, I have found that there are three broad causes of conflicts. Identifying the type will shape your reaction. Conflicts can stem from:
- Offense: One person’s actions hurt the other.
- Miscommunication: both people aren’t understanding one another
- Disagreement: both people see things differently
Of course, some or all of these can mix together to make for an especially painful conflict!
6. Decide if you ought to say something.
At this stage, you need to decide if you ought to say something to the other person. While there are many factors to consider, you can start with a simple measure found in Proverbs 26:4-5. Essentially it says, “Speak up if you have a chance of being heard.”
Don’t let your fear of conflict stop you from speaking up. If you are like most people, you need to confront others (that is, speaking the truth in love) more often. If you have a chance of being heard, you need to speak up. But don’t do it yet, you still have more work to do.
7. Talk to someone who is spiritually mature.
Seek advice from someone who can offer biblical wisdom—even if you think you don’t need to say anything. Show them your “work” so far and get their feedback and talk about next steps.
Being in conflict makes our blind spots bigger, so we especially need help from others. (or from a ministry coach like me).
Pray, with your advisor, about these things.
8. Determine what you need to say.
If there is a good chance that you will be heard, you need to think through the conversation. You don’t want to just wing it! Determine your goal for the conversation (make sure it’s a good and godly one) and allow that to shape your key points. You probably made some mistakes, and if so, be sure to own them and apologize.
Pray about these things.
9. Consider how they might respond.
In this step, you need to consider the situation, and your words, from their point of view. Do your best to prepare for different reactions. Here are a few examples, they might redirect, attack, deflect, question, or apologize. Be prepared. It’s better to have a plan and not need it than the other way around.
Pray about these things.
10. Prepare Your Heart
Before you say a single thing to the other person, you need to go before God to get your heart right—you need to surrender to his work within your soul. It would also be wise to surrender the results of the conversation, recognizing that you cannot control their response. Before you have a conversation, you want to be covered in humility, gentleness, self-control, and purity. Oh, and forgive them. Spiritual “heart surgery” is the hardest part.
Pray about these things.
11. Initiate the Conversation
Choose an appropriate time and place. Share your side. Be sure to listen actively. Take the time, make the effort, to understand the situation from their point of view. If you’ve worked on the condition of your heart, this will be much easier.
If it’s appropriate, pray with the other person. If not, you can still pray on your own!
12. Reflect on what happened
After the conversation, take time to reflect. I strongly suggest that you write it all out. What did you learn about yourself? The other person? Human nature in general? What changes do you need to make in your thoughts, words, and actions?
13. Consider a follow-up in writing.
If it fits the situation, follow up in writing. I would strongly suggest restating your points! Focus on your gratitude, learnings, and apology. If it doesn’t fit the situation, you can still write a follow up without sending it.
14. Forgive and keep forgiving.
There are a few reasons why we need to forgive others. Here are a few:
- Jesus commands us to forgive others.
- No matter what has happened to us, we’ll never have to forgive someone more than Jesus. He’s forgiven way more than you’ll ever have to forgive.
- Forgiving others is in our best interest. When we don’t forgive, it damages our soul. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Remembering these things don’t make forgiveness easy, but it does make it easier. Forgiveness is a process. Some days are easier than others. The deeper the hurt, the longer forgiveness will be an issue. Unfortunately, you may need to forgive the same offense for many years.
A final thought
Conflict isn’t about:
- Convincing the other person that you are right
- Communicating your pain so you feel better
- Conquering your enemy and getting revenge
Spiritually, it’s about growing closer to God and becoming more like Jesus. Relationally, it’s about restoration and/or mutual understanding.
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Unfortunately, conflicts are a reality in the church. If you need it, I’d love to help as either a sounding board, mediator, etc. Schedule a time so we can talk. (LINK TO CONTACT PAGE)
